A Dark Amelia tour of love, lust, and bad judgment in Nassau County.
I-95 blowjobs. A silver-and-pink semiautomatic at the Redneck Yacht Club. Handcuffed sex in a police cruiser. Nail-studded lumber. All preserved for posterity in the public record.
Anonymous post, Nassau County Rants, Raves and Reviews — Sunday, September 13, 2026
“I have evidence that is name withheld and my husband Frank met in the Win Dixie parking lot in Hilliard and they were doing that stuff together, name withheld you have ruined my marriage, all because you wanted your fudge packed. Need a good divorce attorney!!”
There are Facebook posts that require context.
This was not one of them.
The post appeared on a Sunday night in a Nassau County Facebook group with nearly 50,000 members. Dark Amelia has withheld one name because we have no way of knowing whether the allegation was true.
Facebook showed considerably less restraint.
“Everybody gets screwed at Winn-Dixie!!” one commenter observed.
Another skipped over the alleged betrayal, the sex and the impending divorce and went directly to the important question:
“Does your future ex have a boat by chance? that you want to sell?”
By morning, the post was gone.
The screenshots were not.
A screenshot preserved after the original Nassau County Facebook post disappeared.
Maybe it’s the swamp fog. Maybe it’s the ocean breeze. Maybe it’s the shrimp.
Whatever it is, passion lurks around here like an alligator under the duckweed: always there and occasionally surfacing at Winn-Dixie.
🐊
What follows are three true Nassau County passion stories, all preserved for posterity in police reports and public records.
Don’t Hit the Brakes
A couple was driving north on I-95 near the airport. The woman was giving the man behind the wheel a blowjob.
For purposes of this story, we’ll call her the Giver and him the Driver.
A family traveling with their three-year-old pulled up beside them.
We’ll call them the Witnesses.
The Witnesses looked over.
The Driver noticed.
He apparently became convinced they were taking pictures.
This upset the Driver.
Which is understandable. Nobody likes having his privacy invaded while receiving a blowjob on Interstate 95.
From the file: the redacted arrest report describing the I-95 chase and the silver-and-pink semiautomatic handgun.
What followed was less understandable.
According to the arrest report, the Driver began chasing the Witnesses, tailgating their truck and allegedly trying to force them off the road. The Witnesses eventually pulled into a Redneck Yacht Club on U.S. 17.
The Driver followed.
Then the Giver got out carrying a silver-and-pink semiautomatic handgun.
A woman at the bar told her they didn’t need guns there.
This was, under the circumstances, a reasonable contribution to the conversation.
The Giver allegedly pointed the gun at her.
Their campaign for privacy was becoming unusually public.
Deputies later arrested the Driver and the Giver at their Fernandina Beach residence. The Driver explained that he had become angry because he thought the Witnesses were taking pictures of his girlfriend.
The Giver explained that she had started drinking around 10:30 that morning and stopped around 1 p.m., when the Jaguars game began.
For once, the Jaguars were not the most troubling thing that happened that Sunday.
🐊
Wait. He Was Handcuffed?
One Friday night in 2019, Nassau County deputies spotted another Fernandina Beach couple riding bicycles near Sadler Road and South 14th Street.
It was nearly midnight. Their bicycles lacked proper lights. They were weaving into traffic and had nearly been hit by a car.
The man told deputies he had consumed 12 beers at Hammer Head Bar, plus another four earlier in the day.
His backpack suggested he had made contingency plans.
Inside were seven unopened Four Lokos and one empty one.
Deputies arrested the couple and placed them together in the back of a patrol car.
This proved optimistic.
From the file: a redacted narrative page from the 2019 patrol-car incident that ended with a naked run behind Cold Stone Creamery.
One sentence in the deputy’s report deserves to stand on its own:
“Megan and Aaron took their clothes off and started to have sex.”
The man was handcuffed.
Dark Amelia has questions.
When the deputy opened the door, the man was naked. His companion had her pants down and her bra halfway off.
The naked man was removed from the cruiser.
He ran.
Still naked.
Still handcuffed.
The report later notes that he had somehow moved his handcuffs from behind his back to the front, which answers one question while raising several others.
He ran past CVS, through several shopping-center parking lots and was finally caught behind Cold Stone Creamery.
Some people go to Cold Stone for a waffle cone.
🐊
Engagement Rings & Nail-Studded 2x4s
In 2017, deputies were called to a Fernandina Beach home after a couple began arguing over an engagement ring.
They had been engaged for about one week.
According to deputies, the bride-to-be bit her fiancé on the arm.
Then she punched him in the face.
Then she hit him with a piece of wood containing one-inch nails.
She was arrested on a charge of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon.
One week.
Most couples are still showing people the ring.
These two had already moved on to lumber.
🐊
There is probably a serious lesson somewhere in all of this.
Dark Amelia declines to spoil the mood by looking for it.
This is Nassau County.
The alligator is always there.
If passion should suddenly come crashing into your own life, Dark Amelia recommends keeping a cool head.
And making fudge.
You’ll need 3 cups semisweet chocolate chips, one 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk, 2 tablespoons butter, 1 teaspoon vanilla and a pinch of salt. Pecans are optional.
Melt the chocolate chips, condensed milk and butter over low heat, stirring until smooth. Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla, salt and pecans, if using. Spread into a parchment-lined 8-inch pan and refrigerate until firm.
Cut into squares.
Makes about 25 servings, or one serving for the recently single.
